You know you’re Castle Trash if
Your shroud of Turin is painted on velvet
Your daughter’s chastity belt has rusted
You can’t afford a cod piece…………….nobody notices
You have more sheep dogs than sheep
You sold your only horse to buy that jousting lance you just had to have…
The plague improved your complexion………..but only for a little while
The Pope sends you to the Crusades………..in Norway
Your armor is made from that foil that came with your chewing gum
Your wife is stronger than your plow horse…but the horse is prettier
The grail you brought home has “made in China” printed on the bottom
Your wife says you have the smallest turret in the kingdom
You won “most improved ” at the tournament
They call your daughter “made Marian”
Your family crest is a chicken with a banner that says “peace before discomfort”
Your sheep seem strangely nervous around your oldest son
Your skullery maids laugh out loud when you call Edward The First ,”big Ed”
The Following were submitted by our visitors
You know you’re castle trash if your war tent says Walmart on the top flap
Submitted by Anthony Davis
You have to polish your own lance….a lot.
Submitted by Mike Nicholls
Your portcullis is painted flourescent lime green
The torture chamber equipment is by “Acme Inc.”
The moat is full of old carriage tires
Submitted by The Mews
Your hennin (pointed female headress) is made out of newspaper.
Your jeweled sword handle consists of multi-colored jellybeans and macaroni.
Submitted by Dragon’s Whisper
you have at least one suit of horse armor on blocks in your front yard
You have the smithy weld a special pocket on your armor for your chew
You have a sword rack behind the driver’s seat on your carriage
You don’t understand why inbreeding in the monarchy is a problem
You have many types of seige engines in your collection….only one or two work
You had to have the serfs remove the wheels from your castle
Submitted by Katherine J.H.
The only dragon you’ve defeated is a purple one named Barney
Submitted by David F./ Barbara H.
Flushing the toilet disturbs the ducks in your moat.
Submitted by Byron the Bard
The sword in the sword rack of your carriage is rusted to the rack.
Submitted by Robin S. Wills
Your round table has a hole in the middle for the umbrella.
Submitted by Marvin Flohr, DragonSlayer
You know you’re Castle Trash if your cooking pots are all avocado
green or sunburst orange.
Submitted by Muiriath Fionn
Your armor is primarily bondo colored.
Submitted by Morgan of Osprey
You have more than one cousin employed as a Rat Catcher.
Submitted by Resa R.
You know you are Castle Trash when your maiden name is …iron.
Submitted by The Witches Attic
Your court magician’s only viable spell is “Noxious Fumes of Death”, but it only works if someone pulls his finger.
Submitted by Elysienne
You know you’re Castle Trash, when your moat is a kiddy pool from Walmart.
You know you’re Castle Trash, when you couldn’t afford a dragons head for your main hall so you used an iguana’s head.
You know you’re Castle Trash, when your wizard is an 8 ball.
Submitted by WavPrincess
Your coat of arms consists of a white background with the hand-lettered words: “LOSE WEIGHT NOW — ASK ME HOW!”
…Your castle is made of white aluminum, is open 24 hours, and has a drive-thru window.
Submitted by: Steve Nance
Your lady’s new ballgown is made of hotpink polyester
Submitted by: Melissa Sample
….The Black Knight refuses to storm your castle.
Submitted by The Black Knight
….Your mother still picks out your armor.
Submitted by: Max Agond
…People call you “Lord Bubba”
…Your coin pouch is hooked to you by a large chain- but it’s empty
..The naughahyde is your preferred dragon to slay
Your lady has worn curlers to court “cause she might be goin’ somewhere important later”.
All submitted by Kena
You have a ball and by midnight your guests are swimming nude in the moat.
Your title is the “Duke of Earl”.
Your carriage has a bumper sticker that says “protected by sword and stone”.
You don’t want to move the horse armor on blocks in your yard because it would “ruin the effect’.
All submitted by Cyrene
You name all your squires “Billy”.
You buy a new horse and it says “some assembly required”.
You fail as a medical practictioner because you take “lancing a boil” too literally.
You pour gallons of Mr. Bubble in the moat for laughs.
You try to milk a minotaur.
You use pixies as fly fishing lures.
You pluck all the feathers off a Pegasus because “they’re real purty”.
All submitted by Mika Vienonen
Your castle is made of cinder blocks and has a corrugated tin roof.
Submitted by Cycleyes
You have “See Rock City” painted on the side of your castle.
You don’t have a Family Tree, you have a Family Stick.
Your wizard is your first, second and third cousin.
You have 30 people with Ale-guts sitting around your Great Hall during every joust.
You buy everything the traveling peddler sells because it is a “deal of a lifetime”.
If you don’t have falcons, but crows.
All submitted by Eric Landrum
The new vinyl siding on your castle is real perdy
Submitted by Arroyo
You sleep in the stables with the horses because you need some loving.
Submitted by Lina MariaLisa Cloud
When your castle is 5″ and made out of lego’s and your wizard of wisdom is a furby.
You’re banquets consist of 3 cups of dip, a bowl of doritos and plenty of leftover
” Happy Birthday” Napkins.
Submitted by Little elfchild
Your minstrels start calling you “The Brave Sir Robin” (please note the Monty Python reference…)
Submitted by Stormdancer
To Stormdancer: “Go away or I will taunt you a second time”, Castle Trash 🙂
Your favorite movie is “The Princess Bride”
Submitted by Brittany
The King says, “I’m your father and your uncle”.
You’ve had the blacksmith weld your carriage doors shut and you climb in through the windows.
Your title is “Duke of Hazzard”.
You introduce your wife and sister to a visiting knight and there is only one person standing beside you.
You come out of the pub and find your mount up on blocks without horseshoes.
Your favorite mead is “Billy Ale”
All Submitted by Khatru1955
Your favorite tunic says #3 Dark Knight.
The horses at the jousting tournaments have advertisements on their armor.
Submitted by Alicia – “mynx mynx”
You eat veggi burgers to watch your draconic diet.
Submitted by Aeries Helldragon
You floss with your noble steed’s mane.
You loose all your hair making out with the fire-breathing dragon
Submitted by (§îléñ† wHî§þé®ér)
You decide not to go on crusade because they don’t sell beer at the concession stands during half time.
Submitted by Madilayn
Your plate armor is covered in Bond-O.
Your court wizard casts a spell, he rubs his medallion in a semi-hunched over position
and blankly stares off and says “Noooonie-noonie-nuuuuuuu!”
All your shields have bullseyes painted on them.
Your first line of infantry men carry a banner into battle which says “Cannon Fodder” on it.
Your Man-at-arms has your men watch Monty Python’s Holy Grail for battle techniques
Submitted by Mika “pysberwolf”
You might be Castle Trash if you ever used any of these lines:
Been there, slain that
My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it
You won`t believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you
…the fate of England depends is on it!!
Milady, it`s not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within
They don`t call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know
A day just wouldn`t be complete without a Knight
Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor
All submitted by Lady Becca
You have a small sign just across your moat that says “To storm castle, take a number.”
A second and larger sign flashes “Now serving 666.” in bright red letters
Submitted by Larry
Your know you’re castle trash when your wizard needs to plug
in his magical orb into the wall socket to make it work
when you’re bowmen are cross-eyed and spend days wondering
over the overabundance of deaths in your battles
when your crown was your daughter’s last year arts and crafts project.
when you pretend to withdraw a sword from a large rock
and then claim to have rights to atleast food and shelter
when you attempt to bribe your rival knight into falling off of his horse
before the jousting tournament
when you have a bumper sticker on the back of your wagon saying “arthur rules”
All submitted by Dude Rock
the latrines are bright blue port-o-johns
your valliant stallion consists of a wooden rod and a head with the face
drawn on with black permanent marker
your helmet consists of tin foil wrapped around your head with little holes poked out for the eye slits
your wife tells you you can’t compete in the joust because your tights are a wee bit too tight
All submitted by Tara
You’ve got a special chain mail cover for your mobile phone
Your authentic 12th Century Tent has a jacuzzi
Your costume influences include “The Heraldic World Of Barbie”
You turtle wax your shield
You think Prince of Thieves was a damm good film
The fur trimming on your cloak is more gerbil than ermine
Your lepers begging bowl is dishwasher safe
The last time you got married the happy couple had six legs between them
Your best sword is plastic and has Zena warrior stamped on it
You drink diet mead
You wish they made kosher boars heads for banquets
You don’t let your friends sleep over if their shields clash with the tapestries
You’ve given up sex because the chain mail leaves rust on the sheets.
Your torture chamber has under floor heating , rugs,
bean bags and was inspired by a feature in Hello magazine
Your village idiot has his own website
You aspire to a chic “belfry” apartment
Your TV Guide is hand illuminated on velum
17 submissions from Conroi-du-Burm
You know you’re Castle Trash when you’ve been married seven times,
and you’re still in the same clan.
Submitted by William B.
Submissions are always welcome – medieval humor is hard to come by