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You know you are castle trash if…

You know you’re Castle Trash if
Your shroud of Turin is painted on velvet

Your daughter’s chastity belt has rusted

You can’t afford a cod piece…………….nobody notices

You have more sheep dogs than sheep

You sold your only horse to buy that jousting lance you just had to have…

The plague improved your complexion………..but only for a little while

The Pope sends you to the Crusades………..in Norway

Your armor is made from that foil that came with your chewing gum

Your wife is stronger than your plow horse…but the horse is prettier

The grail you brought home has “made in China” printed on the bottom

Your wife says you have the smallest turret in the kingdom

You won “most improved ” at the tournament

They call your daughter “made Marian”

Your family crest is a chicken with a banner that says “peace before discomfort”

Your sheep seem strangely nervous around your oldest son

Your skullery maids laugh out loud when you call Edward The First ,”big Ed”

The Following were submitted by our visitors

You know you’re castle trash if your war tent says Walmart on the top flap

Submitted by Anthony Davis

You have to polish your own lance….a lot.

Submitted by Mike Nicholls

Your portcullis is painted flourescent lime green

The torture chamber equipment is by “Acme Inc.”

The moat is full of old carriage tires
Submitted by The Mews

Your hennin (pointed female headress) is made out of newspaper.

Your jeweled sword handle consists of multi-colored jellybeans and macaroni.

Submitted by Dragon’s Whisper

you have at least one suit of horse armor on blocks in your front yard

You have the smithy weld a special pocket on your armor for your chew

You have a sword rack behind the driver’s seat on your carriage

You don’t understand why inbreeding in the monarchy is a problem

You have many types of seige engines in your collection….only one or two work

You had to have the serfs remove the wheels from your castle

Submitted by Katherine J.H.

The only dragon you’ve defeated is a purple one named Barney

Submitted by David F./ Barbara H.

Flushing the toilet disturbs the ducks in your moat.

Submitted by Byron the Bard

The sword in the sword rack of your carriage is rusted to the rack.

Submitted by Robin S. Wills

Your round table has a hole in the middle for the umbrella.

Submitted by Marvin Flohr, DragonSlayer

You know you’re Castle Trash if your cooking pots are all avocado
green or sunburst orange.

Submitted by Muiriath Fionn

Your armor is primarily bondo colored.

Submitted by Morgan of Osprey

You have more than one cousin employed as a Rat Catcher.

Submitted by Resa R.

You know you are Castle Trash when your maiden name is …iron.

Submitted by The Witches Attic

Your court magician’s only viable spell is “Noxious Fumes of Death”, but it only works if someone pulls his finger.

Submitted by Elysienne

You know you’re Castle Trash, when your moat is a kiddy pool from Walmart.

You know you’re Castle Trash, when you couldn’t afford a dragons head for your main hall so you used an iguana’s head.

You know you’re Castle Trash, when your wizard is an 8 ball.

Submitted by WavPrincess

Your coat of arms consists of a white background with the hand-lettered words: “LOSE WEIGHT NOW — ASK ME HOW!”

…Your castle is made of white aluminum, is open 24 hours, and has a drive-thru window.

Submitted by: Steve Nance

Your lady’s new ballgown is made of hotpink polyester

Submitted by: Melissa Sample

….The Black Knight refuses to storm your castle.

Submitted by The Black Knight

….Your mother still picks out your armor.

Submitted by: Max Agond

…People call you “Lord Bubba”

…Your coin pouch is hooked to you by a large chain- but it’s empty

..The naughahyde is your preferred dragon to slay

Your lady has worn curlers to court “cause she might be goin’ somewhere important later”.

All submitted by Kena

You have a ball and by midnight your guests are swimming nude in the moat.

Your title is the “Duke of Earl”.

Your carriage has a bumper sticker that says “protected by sword and stone”.

You don’t want to move the horse armor on blocks in your yard because it would “ruin the effect’.

All submitted by Cyrene

You name all your squires “Billy”.

You buy a new horse and it says “some assembly required”.

You fail as a medical practictioner because you take “lancing a boil” too literally.

You pour gallons of Mr. Bubble in the moat for laughs.

You try to milk a minotaur.

You use pixies as fly fishing lures.

You pluck all the feathers off a Pegasus because “they’re real purty”.

All submitted by Mika Vienonen

Your castle is made of cinder blocks and has a corrugated tin roof.

Submitted by Cycleyes

You have “See Rock City” painted on the side of your castle.

You don’t have a Family Tree, you have a Family Stick.

Your wizard is your first, second and third cousin.

You have 30 people with Ale-guts sitting around your Great Hall during every joust.

You buy everything the traveling peddler sells because it is a “deal of a lifetime”.

If you don’t have falcons, but crows.

All submitted by Eric Landrum

The new vinyl siding on your castle is real perdy
Submitted by Arroyo

You sleep in the stables with the horses because you need some loving.

Submitted by Lina MariaLisa Cloud

When your castle is 5″ and made out of lego’s and your wizard of wisdom is a furby.

You’re banquets consist of 3 cups of dip, a bowl of doritos and plenty of leftover
” Happy Birthday” Napkins.

Submitted by Little elfchild

Your minstrels start calling you “The Brave Sir Robin” (please note the Monty Python reference…)

Submitted by Stormdancer
To Stormdancer: “Go away or I will taunt you a second time”, Castle Trash 🙂

Your favorite movie is “The Princess Bride”

Submitted by Brittany

The King says, “I’m your father and your uncle”.

You’ve had the blacksmith weld your carriage doors shut and you climb in through the windows.

Your title is “Duke of Hazzard”.

You introduce your wife and sister to a visiting knight and there is only one person standing beside you.

You come out of the pub and find your mount up on blocks without horseshoes.

Your favorite mead is “Billy Ale”

All Submitted by Khatru1955

Your favorite tunic says #3 Dark Knight.

The horses at the jousting tournaments have advertisements on their armor.

Submitted by Alicia – “mynx mynx”

You eat veggi burgers to watch your draconic diet.

Submitted by Aeries Helldragon

You floss with your noble steed’s mane.

You loose all your hair making out with the fire-breathing dragon

Submitted by (§îléñ† wHî§þé®ér)

You decide not to go on crusade because they don’t sell beer at the concession stands during half time.

Submitted by Madilayn

Your plate armor is covered in Bond-O.

Your court wizard casts a spell, he rubs his medallion in a semi-hunched over position
and blankly stares off and says “Noooonie-noonie-nuuuuuuu!”

All your shields have bullseyes painted on them.

Your first line of infantry men carry a banner into battle which says “Cannon Fodder” on it.

Your Man-at-arms has your men watch Monty Python’s Holy Grail for battle techniques

Submitted by Mika “pysberwolf”

You might be Castle Trash if you ever used any of these lines:

Been there, slain that

My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it

You won`t believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you
…the fate of England depends is on it!!

Milady, it`s not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within

They don`t call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know

A day just wouldn`t be complete without a Knight

Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor

All submitted by Lady Becca

You have a small sign just across your moat that says “To storm castle, take a number.”
A second and larger sign flashes “Now serving 666.” in bright red letters

Submitted by Larry

Your know you’re castle trash when your wizard needs to plug
in his magical orb into the wall socket to make it work

when you’re bowmen are cross-eyed and spend days wondering
over the overabundance of deaths in your battles

when your crown was your daughter’s last year arts and crafts project.

when you pretend to withdraw a sword from a large rock
and then claim to have rights to atleast food and shelter

when you attempt to bribe your rival knight into falling off of his horse
before the jousting tournament

when you have a bumper sticker on the back of your wagon saying “arthur rules”

All submitted by Dude Rock

the latrines are bright blue port-o-johns

your valliant stallion consists of a wooden rod and a head with the face
drawn on with black permanent marker

your helmet consists of tin foil wrapped around your head with little holes poked out for the eye slits

your wife tells you you can’t compete in the joust because your tights are a wee bit too tight

All submitted by Tara

You’ve got a special chain mail cover for your mobile phone

Your authentic 12th Century Tent has a jacuzzi

Your costume influences include “The Heraldic World Of Barbie”

You turtle wax your shield

You think Prince of Thieves was a damm good film

The fur trimming on your cloak is more gerbil than ermine

Your lepers begging bowl is dishwasher safe

The last time you got married the happy couple had six legs between them

Your best sword is plastic and has Zena warrior stamped on it

You drink diet mead

You wish they made kosher boars heads for banquets

You don’t let your friends sleep over if their shields clash with the tapestries

You’ve given up sex because the chain mail leaves rust on the sheets.

Your torture chamber has under floor heating , rugs,
bean bags and was inspired by a feature in Hello magazine

Your village idiot has his own website

You aspire to a chic “belfry” apartment

Your TV Guide is hand illuminated on velum

17 submissions from Conroi-du-Burm

You know you’re Castle Trash when you’ve been married seven times,
and you’re still in the same clan.

Submitted by William B.

Submissions are always welcome – medieval humor is hard to come by

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